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New Research Confirms Newton’s Third Law of Crush Reciprocity

Dear World,

It is with great pleasure that we present to you the very latest in crush research. You may have read in our 2009 International Tell Your Crush Day Survival Guide that:

Even with the latest in crush science, it’s still very difficult to predict how these things will develop.

Though that was sound wisdom back then, 2009 was a long time ago, and the times they are a changin’. Crush science, though a relatively new field, has made leaps and bounds in both technological advancements and recognition as a legitimate social science since the early days of the International Society for the Advancement of the Crush Agenda. Today, we are happy to report on some new findings that will shake the foundations upon which previous crush recommendations were built.

You may remember the Crush Pyramid that was on the back of cereal boxes in the 90s, urging kids to crush in a balanced way, and to use crush telling only “sparingly,” reserved for the few very special crushes in the top triangle of the pyramid. Though this is just a preliminary study, and its effects have not yet trickled down through all government agencies and community institutions, we can assume that it’s only a matter of time before these findings have a ripple effect we cannot now imagine. New Crush Pyramid? Here we come.

America’s Finest News Source, The Onion, broke the story in late January.

Report: Everyone You’ve Ever Had A Crush On Secretly Had A Crush On You, They Still Do, And They’re Waiting For You

PALO ALTO, CA—A comprehensive report released this week by researchers at Stanford University affirmed that everyone you’ve ever had a crush on in your entire life also secretly had a deep crush on you, they continue to hold these strong, unreconciled feelings, and they are out there right now, just waiting for you to get in touch with them.

According to the study, which analyzed the behavioral patterns and personal histories of both you and anyone you’ve been attracted to at any point in your life, every human being you’ve ever daydreamed about being with—from your grade school crush, to that upperclassman in your college English class, to your old coworker—has quietly shared the same feelings, which they still have to this day, and are willing to drop everything on a moment’s notice for the chance at spending the rest of their life with you.

Additionally, the report confirmed that the cute employee at the local coffee shop whom you have been too shy to talk to is always daydreaming about a relationship with you and repeatedly wonders where you are on days that you don’t visit the café. The study also indicated that the cute European passenger you smiled at on that train when you were traveling abroad still fantasizes about the passionate, unrestrained romance the two of you would have shared had you only introduced yourself.

“A life of bliss with anyone you’ve ever felt attracted to is only a call or email away,” Taylor added. “The question isn’t whether they desire you, but whether you have what it takes to contact them and make that perfect life a reality.”

the Onion January 28, 2014 Click link for full story.

We know that there are some long sentences in there, and the academic language can be a lot to wade through. If you take nothing else away, we hope that you caught the part about it all being up to you now, to contact the person you have a crush on, and let the possibilities unfold. We think with these new results out there, this is going to be a record year for International Tell Your Crush Day participation.

So go ahead! You’ve got nothing to lose. Science says so.*

*Don’t do anything stupid. If in doubt, please refer again to “Are there people I shouldn’t tell?” and “The fine print” in the ’09 Crush Telling Survival Guide.

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